I realized something important last night while brushing my teeth. As usual, I was searching my mind for reasons to continue with the sobriety project. Why am I doing this, again? Usually I tell myself that my life is so much better without drinking. Lately that has begun to sound a little hollow. Not that my life isn’t better -- it is, in a myriad of ways, but many of them are subtle and hard to realize. My memories of hangovers and post-bender depressions are fading. I can’t help feeling like in some more obvious ways my life is now worse. I mean, I can’t drink! And I can’t pretend my social life hasn’t suffered. I’ve been worried that my mantra of life being so much better might not keep me going much longer.

Then I realized the real truth that has helped me get this far and can help me continue. It’s not that my life has been so much better -- it’s that my life has been so unbelievably DIFFERENT. It’s not the same life just without the sauce, but a whole different life. My drinking affected me in millions of ways I wasn’t even aware of. All of my thinking and outlook, including plans for my future and ideas about how I want to live, was tainted by it.

Maybe later I can decide what’s better or not better. For now I barely know what’s what.

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