I invited my sister and her boyfriend over for dinner Thursday night. I chose a pasta recipe that looked hearty and tasty, then I noticed it called for some white wine. Normally I would just leave it out, but it seemed like it would make a difference in this particular recipe. So, I decided to buy some wine. I would use some for the recipe, and my sis and the b-friend could drink the rest of it during dinner. I planned to buy everything for the dinner on Wednesday night. That would mean I would have a bottle of wine sitting in my kitchen overnight.

I thought about it. Was this a big deal? I could imagine people from my Smart Recovery meeting saying it was a big deal, but I didn’t really feel it was. Did I subconsciously choose this recipe to engineer the situation of having wine in my house overnight? I don’t think so. Was I worried that the very presence of the wine would cause some kind of disciplinary breakdown? I’ve seen plenty of alcohol up close since I’ve quit drinking, so, no.

I tried testing myself by considering a similar situation. If I bought some kind of “forbidden” food, say, a box of Bugles, for a houseguest who was arriving the next day, would I be likely to dip into it? Well, yes. Yes, I would, but that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t matter if I eat the delicious Bugles. It does matter if I drink.

So I reaffirmed my decision to buy the wine. Then I thought about actually buying it, in the store. Here’s where I hit a more serious yet more ridiculous obstacle. What if someone saw me buying the wine? There are less than five people in this city who know I’ve quit drinking, and they’re not likely to be in the supermarket. But what if they were? How pathetic would I seem -- “I need it for a recipe.” Oh, God.

After I realized I’d spent most of my day worrying about the wine, I called my sister and asked her to buy it and bring it with her when she came over. Whatever! Whatever!

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