“Hi, I’m responding to your ad about a room for rent in a group house. You asked me to tell you a little about myself. I’m a 28-year-old woman with a steady job, and I’ve lived in the city for five years. I enjoy reading, running, and cooking. I go to bed early (9:00 p.m.) and get up early (5:00 a.m.). Please let me know if you have any other questions.”

I’ve been toying with the idea of moving. I’d like to live somewhere quieter, to pay less rent, and to be less of a hermit. The problem is, well, see above. Who is that person? Would you want to live with that person? My life on the surface sounds so drab -- I can’t possibly be that boring. I need a way to signal my underlying coolness. Perhaps a postscript would do the trick.

“P.S. Please note I have partied like a has-been rock star in Las Vegas, South Beach, and Rhode Island.”

“P.S. The Red Cross is totally not interested in my blood.”

“P.S. I almost met Boy George at a club in London but I was literally too drunk to stand up and walk over to him.”

Expressing my coolness via e-mail is only part of the problem. I want to make new friends, and I need to express my coolness to them, too. At some early point in these (currently only imagined) friendships I will have to say “I don’t drink,” or maybe “I don’t drink, anymore.” How can I temper that so the kind of people I want to meet don’t write me off as an uptight, self-righteous snot? I could follow it up with a few drinking anecdotes from back in the day, but that’s not my life anymore. I can no longer claim the self-abuse props. Tired Boy George anecdotes (OK, it‘s not even an anecdote) won’t do the trick.

As usual, this is a symptom of a bigger problem. I’ve made some progress since my first entry, but I still think drinking is cool and sobriety is not. I used to be cool, at least somewhat, and now I’m not.

I see two ways to approach this. The first is to redefine coolness in my own mind, and to make it include parts of my new life. This doesn’t sound too promising to me. Stuff like exercise and volunteer work is positive and beneficial, but it’ll never be cool. That’s just the sad truth.

The second option is to (gulp) give up on cool altogether. I’m so not ready for this. So, I’ve got some cool hats. I’ll just wear my cool hats and not talk to anybody until I’ve come up with a better plan.

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