10.11.03 Disclaimers

I’ve noticed I’ve been using a lot of disclaimers lately while talking about myself and even while thinking about myself. Here are some examples:

Yes, I exercise regularly now (but I used to be a total slacker).

Yes, I’m in shape now (but I used to be kind of fat).

Yes, I do some volunteering (but I'm just making up for the past).

Yes, I’m active and I try all kinds of new things (but I was very lazy before).

Yeah, I go to bed early and get lots of sleep (but I’ve sure stayed up late before).

And, of course, the biggie:

I don’t drink now (but I sure as hell did before).

I think there’s several reasons why I’m using so many disclaimers, and I think they’re all wrong-minded. First, I have the female habit of deflecting every compliment or moment of self-satisfaction. I mean, God forbid I inadvertently make someone else question their own fatness, laziness, or drunkenness. And feeling satisfied with myself is guaranteed to bring ruin, right? So, to cover my ass, I make disclaimers.

Second, I still think my history of excess is somewhat cool. I want certain people to know about it. I suspect I will never completely get over this, and I can live with that. The trick is to not make myself look like a pathetic fool. I met a new friend at work recently and during one of our first conversations I found myself referring to my “partying days” with a bemused, worldly wise air. I don’t want to ever do that again. Ever.

The third and maybe saddest reason for the disclaimers is that I’m not willing to admit to myself or others that I’ve finally got my shit together. Every time I think about how well things are going, these big BUTS appear. I’ve kept the weight off BUT I’m going to gain it back any day now. I’m doing great at my new job BUT I don’t know if I can keep it up. I’ve stayed sober BUT for how much longer?

My past is crowding my present. I need to push back.

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