C l e a n

Not drinking.
Dreams // Monday, July 29, 2002

Q. If I was trapped in a mine for three days and convinced I was going to die, but then miraculously rescued, could I drink?

A. No.

I dreamed about getting fucked up last night. There was a girls� school and an air show (gone badly awry, of course). I don�t remember if I dreamed about drinking when I was still drinking, but now I do all the time.

When I first quit drinking, the dreams were like nightmares. I was drunk, I had done something terrible, my mother and sister stood gaping at me with disgust and horror and everlasting disappointment. The worst thing about these dreams was that I never had the chance to choose not to drink; I just was automatically drunk. In my waking life, I was doing what I felt to be the right thing, but I woke up from these dreams feeling like crap and I carried around the guilt from them all day.

The dreams have calmed down some since then. Sometimes I�ve started to drink at a party, say, and I remember I�m not supposed to be drinking. Sometimes I stop, and sometimes I think about it and keep drinking anyway. Last night was one of the first ones where I was drinking and don�t remember realizing I was not supposed to be drinking. Is that bad? Am I somehow talking myself back into drinking through my dreams?

Ideally, I could party like a rockstar in my dreams and get it out of my system that way. But, instead, I wake up feeling wistful.

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