Q. If I haven�t had a drink for six months, can I reward myself with a bunch of drinks?

A. No.

My sister reminded me that yesterday was more or less six months since I�d decided to stop drinking. She sent me an electronic �congratulations� card. She is thoughtful that way. Six months! I am proud, amazed, bemused, bewildered and confused. Who am I, and what did I do with me? Who made this crazy decision? This thing has gotten out of control.

I thought back to my one-month anniversary. My sister had commemorated that one, too, and sent me a card and a little gift. When I opened it and saw the message I was immediately pissed off. Instead of recognizing the love and camaraderie behind the gift (which I did later), I could only see it as a reminder that I was now in a position to disappoint or even somehow betray my sister by going back to drinking. It made me feel guilty and I held it against her. I didn�t want to be responsible for other people�s feelings, even their happiness. I wanted to go back to my little cave where my self-destructiveness only hurt myself. Of course, this had never been the case and I was beginning to realize it.

The good news is, I didn�t feel that way at all this time. I mean, sure, there�s still a part of me that wishes I had never started this, definitely. And my steps are not too clear right now. But I am feeling calm and reflective. Last night I dreamed there were toothy snakes in my bathroom. They chased me out into the bedroom where I felled them with books and stood triumphantly and breathlessly over their limp coils. Kill them snakes!

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