You might guess that I feel older and wiser after quitting drinking. But it�s the opposite -- I feel younger, and more na�ve. I�ve realized that several ideas I considered to be basic tenets of my life were actually illusions subconsciously constructed by me to support my drinking. Realizing that my mind works this way is kind of scary and makes me question everything. I�m really starting over, at almost 30, in thinking about what I want my life to be.

Two important examples of these �basic tenets� are 1) I�m not at all interested in getting married and the idea of having children is abhorrent to me, and 2) I am not ambitious about my career or interested in increasing my level of responsibility at work. Not to say that I suddenly want to breed right now or be the boss of the world. I emphatically don�t. More that now, when I kind of approach these ideas from a distance, I no longer see the huge warning signs and barriers than instructed me to turn back in the past. I can get a little closer to these ideas before they get too yucky. Maybe part of it is that I�m just getting older. But most of it is that serious relationships, childrearing, and responsibility in the workplace do not mix well with heavy drinking. I told myself I didn�t want these things to avoid the fact that I was incapable, or chose to be incapable, of having them. That way my drinking wasn�t interfering with anything.

So, I begin again. The aspect that seems most urgent for me to address is my job. I�ve spent ten years barely hanging on to a series of administrative positions. Now I need to decide what I want to be. The options are endless, and my thinking is all over the place. Maybe I�m focusing on the job because the personal life questions are too challenging. I almost wrote �frightening� but chose �challenging� instead. Another rejected possibility is �depressing.�

On an environmental note, I�m glad I quit drinking before the most recent wave of construction came to my neighborhood. The dump trucks started up at 6:00 a.m. this morning. IT IS SATURDAY. While I�m annoyed by it, at least I�m not writhing with hatred in a sweaty bed hungover sick with two hours until the nearest grocery store that sells beer opens. I�m thankful for that, this morning.

If you�re wondering why I�m awake at 6:00 on a Saturday anyway, well, it turns out I�m a morning person. Who knew?

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