C l e a n

Not drinking.
Break // Saturday, Aug. 17, 2002

So I haven�t written in a while. While I was really excited about the idea of this diary, I wasn�t thrilled with the way it was turning out. I didn�t like its tone -- that is, my tone. I sounded overly serious, self-important, even maudlin. I mean, it�s a fairly serious topic, but I�d wanted Clean to spend most of its time on the lighter side of substance abuse, you know?

Also, I felt that writing for Clean was making me obsess even more than usual about drinking. It�s as if I�ve built a wall between myself and drinking, and I�m constantly examining it and scraping at it. The more I scrape, the more likely it is that I�ll eventually break through. It�s better to acknowledge that the wall is there and not think about it too much. That, at least, was my excuse for not writing.

Then, this week, I was reading an article about a study of people who had lost substantial amounts of weight and kept it off for several years. I lost 40 pounds over a year ago, so I read a lot of health and fitness-y type publications. A doctor quoted in this article said that the people who succeeded with their weight loss tended to exercise �active cognitive control� -- that is, they think about it all the time. While this sounds like a depressing prescription, I realized that I spent a lot of time thinking about my weight. Not necessarily how much I weigh, but what I eat and my exercise routine. I actually enjoy planning my meals for the week and developing new routines for the gym. So, my point is, I think that I am successfully using active cognitive control to keep off the weight I�ve lost.

So why am I resisting active cognitive control to keep from drinking? I mean, I seem to think about it pretty constantly whether I want to or not, so why not try to make that thinking constructive? It�s a pretty obvious idea, granted, and it seems that Clean would be a good tool for me. I hope to eventually open up Clean to the public and maybe be a resource for other people.

I think other people may have to be the answer to my unfunniness problem, too. I�m worried that by trying to be funny I�ll be pathetic. So, I�ll try to cultivate some funnier ex-drunks and incorporate their material. We�ll see how that goes.

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recently:
Visitation - Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2004
Tired of This - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004
Watershed - Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004
First Date - Friday, Apr. 23, 2004
Online Dating - Sunday, Mar. 28, 2004