There is a process occurring in my mind that I think I should try to stop. As usual, I am uncertain.

What is happening is that, in retrospect, my memories of times I was drinking are becoming increasingly negative, with dramatic and ominous overtones. For example, take a memory of myself spending a Saturday in bed drinking and reading, as I liked to do whenever I could. My original memory is a pleasant one. I felt safe and comfortable and I knew the day would just bring more treats. The sun shone in through the blinds and was beautiful. My only worries were having enough to drink or maybe feeling guilty about canceling some plans I�d made with my sister.

Now when I think of those days, it�s as if I�m seeing it through some kind of red filter. I�m wasting my youth. I�m destroying my body. In my memory now, an angel of pathos hovers over the bed declaiming a low doom.

It�s happening to other memories as well -- memories of parties, of trips, of whole relationships are starting to rot. I�m not willing to say that the last ten years of my life were shit, and that all the fun I had was tainted and all my friendships diseased. But that seems to be the direction this memory-coup is headed.

How can I ward off the taint? More importantly, should I even try? Obviously this process helps to heighten the wall between then and now, and between drinking and not drinking. But I don�t like it. I am the same person I was before. When I was drinking, I was happy a lot of the time and satisfied with my life most of the time. I�m not sure I would even say that I am happier overall now. What I�ve gained is more complex. I don�t like that my present is creeping back and destroying my past. Hopefully I can fend it off by just being aware.

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