I�ve been fantasizing about losing a limb. Being hit by a car and suffering a non-fatal gunshot wound are attractive too, but dismemberment really meets all my needs.

The fantasy presupposes some kind of supernatural game show in which I win a chance to trade my so-called �recovery� from alcohol for another recovery of my choice. Recovering from losing a leg appeals to me because it seems so much simpler than what I�m doing now.

First, it would be easier because my injury would be visible to everyone. People could see that I only had one leg and draw their own conclusions, if they were the type of person to draw conclusions. There would be no difficult decisions on my part about who to tell and who not to tell. I wouldn�t have to answer the question �What�s up?� with �Nothing,� when the real answer is �Everything,� but nothing that can be discussed in casual conversation.

Second, I would have unilateral support for my recovery. No one would wish me ill or secretly resent my progress from wheelchair to crutches. This is not to say I don�t have support now -- I do, a lot. But someone, somewhere, is sitting in a bar snickering, �Rehab is for quitters.� I know, because I used to be that person. I thought that joke was fucking hilarious.

Third, I�d arrange it with the game-show host so the leg-removing accident would not be my fault in any way and would not be avoidable. Whereas with the drinking thing, everything is totally my fault and I could have avoided it all, maybe, with a little foresight.

Fourth, and most importantly, my path would be clear. I don�t think I�d have to debate with myself over whether or not I wanted to become more mobile and independent. I wouldn�t have the option to go back to a previous existence. My choices would be so black and white that they�d hardly be choices at all.

Maybe someday I�ll see drinking vs. not drinking as a black-and-white decision. Sometimes the clouds part and I catch a glimpse, but it�s far away. I�m not sure I even want to get there -- it seems to require giving up a perspective on life that I couldn�t get back.

So, listen, don�t send me e-mails saying your cousin lost his leg and it was horrible and I don�t know what I�m talking about. Obviously I don�t. I�m just saying.

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