I think everybody probably has some bad New Year�s stories. Here are a few of mine. I�ll start with the mildly egregious and work up to the really sucky.

Three years ago, I went party-hopping with a friend who was not a big drinker. As we left the first party, I drunkenly decided he�d had too much to drink and shouldn�t drive his car to the next place. He argued briefly and correctly that he hadn�t, but I was totally obnoxious and unreasonable about it. Long story short, he ended up walking twelve blocks back across town to his car, sober and alone, after I had crashed out in my own cozy bed. Sorry, dude.

Last year, I joined some friends at somebody�s parents� condo at the beach. They had been there for a few days and were a little partied out. I got very drunk very fast and decided to go down to the beach. The beach was nice, but when I was done with it, I couldn�t figure out how to get back around to the entrance of the condo building. I don�t remember what I finally did, but I think it involved climbing walls. I arrived back upstairs with my clothes ripped and covered with burrs. Nobody was at all interested in my story.

Five years ago, I hosted a party at my apartment. In addition to the local posse, two friends came from out of state, and my sister was there. I had been on a bender for the week or so before the party -- not doing drugs, but drinking like a fish and avoiding solid food and sleep. A few hours before the party started, I began to feel very unwell. My heart was pounding like crazy and I couldn�t breathe properly. Worst of all was this heavy sense of doom. I knew I was dying.

Guests began to arrive. I tried to deal with it but I totally couldn�t. I told everyone I was going out for cigarettes. I went outside, got in a cab, and went to the emergency room. I told them I felt like I was dying, and they asked me to wait. While I was waiting, impatiently, I called home and spoke to my sister and a friend. Naturally, they were confused, upset, and worried.

Finally the ER staff took me into the back, and a special calming doctor was brought in to tell me that 24-year-old women do not have heart attacks. Then a nurse decided my problems were related to pregnancy. I told her I wasn�t pregnant but she obviously didn�t think I was capable of knowing anything about my own body. I guess I can�t blame her. She kept prodding my stomach and insisting I tell her the dates of my most recent sexual encounters. To my shock, I heard myself telling her I couldn�t be pregnant because I slept with women. I�m sure that tidbit just added to my already spicy medical report, since I was totally honest with them about every drug I had done in my life. I had nothing to lose -- I was dying, right?

Well, not quite. As I lay on the gurney waiting for them to bring me some downers, the hospital PA system came on. �Happy New Year!� When I rolled back into my own played-out party and hour or so later, someone asked, �Does this mean you didn�t get cigarettes?�

So. I�ve had fun times at New Year�s too, but it always seems a night ripe for disaster. Months ago, in the fall, I started stressing about what I would do this year. I thought about going on some meaningful little trip by myself. Now that New Year�s is here, I�m not stressed. I�m going to rent some movies.

Someone, trying to be helpful, suggested I check out First Night. First Night is the anti-alcohol, pro-family New Year�s movement. Hello! Yes, I�m not drinking, but I�m not a huge big dork, either.

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