I had a bad night last night. It was raining and freezing and I had to run around doing errands after work. When I got home I felt like drinking, but that was only the beginning of it. I�m not usually worried I�ll actually go out and get something to drink. I don�t think I would, because it would ruin everything. I mean, I�d practically have to kill myself afterwards. But that�s exactly what pisses me off. Who the fuck says I can�t drink? Whose idea was that? And wow, it�s working out so well. Here I am, friendless and alone on another Friday night, with several thousand similar Friday nights to look forward to. Yippee! This sucks.

Even if I did decide I wanted my life back, it�s too late. I�ve broken ties with my friends and I can�t just call them up or show up at the bar like nothing happened. I don�t even know which drug dealers to trust anymore. I can�t go back. I�m stuck here now.

Last night, I knew I could probably talk myself into a better mood or present myself with all kinds of good reasons for not drinking. Well, I didn�t feel like it. I felt like being pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. I slept on it, and I still feel pissed off today. It�s going to be a long weekend.

* * *

OK, it's later the same day. I felt bad about leaving Clean on such a downer note. Is that silly? I don't want people stressing about me. Maybe it's just a bad couple of days, or maybe I'm entering a new stage in this process. The bloom is off the g.d. rose. It's not all about drinking or not drinking anymore, but about the rest of my life. What next? What do I do now? I know everyone has these questions, and I should be happy to have the time and opportunity to consider them and make my own choices. Blah, blah, blah. Then again, maybe this is some mindgame I'm playing with myself. Distract her, then slip her a drink! And trust me, I'm aware that I'm way too self-absorbed. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do about that.

* * *

My fortune cookie says "Keep up the good work. You will be rewarded." Humph.

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