I�m not a sunglasses person, but I did buy a pair several years ago. It was after a spate of ugly incidents at local bars, all perpetrated by me. At one place I drunkenly and accidentally walked out on my tab. I had no idea until the next time I walked in, accompanied unfortunately by several people from my office. I was curtly and publicly relieved of my tab-running privileges. I think I fell down the stairs or something at another place. I was annoying bartenders, pissing off drug dealers, basically making myself unwelcome everywhere. I wondered if I should avoid going out in public for a while. Then I had a stupider idea.

I decided I would go incognito, undercover. I would develop an alternate identity in which to do my drinking around town. The characteristics of my alternate identity were never too fleshed out, but it was definitely mysterious and glamorous, and to that end I went out and bought a pair of large movie-star sunglasses. The whole thing was a joke, of course, another example of me preemptively mocking myself before anyone else got a chance. I got a huge kick out of it, though. And I hate to say it, but I�m sure there was a small, sad, serious part of me that would have loved to trade myself in and start fresh.

Anyway, I wore the sunglasses around for a couple weeks, annoying my friends, then forgot about it and stuck them in a drawer where they stayed until this morning. I woke up and saw the sun for the first time in what seems like years, and on my way out for a run I grabbed the sunglasses and put them on. Towards the end of my cheerful run I started thinking about the history of my sunglasses. I was chuckling about it when it suddenly hit me, so clearly. I�ve finally actually done it. I�ve developed and assumed an all-new identity. There may even be some superpowers associated with my new persona.

I am totally unrecognizable.

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