I started my new job last week. Shit, it�s hard. Not the work -- the work is boring, so far. But the rest of it is excruciating. Being the new person, not knowing who people are, not knowing how free I am to come and go, not knowing if it�s OK to eat at my desk, not knowing who to ask about things, not even knowing if it�s raining since I can�t see any windows from my grim little cube.

I�m not questioning whether I did the right thing. I�m just feeling unhappy. I think it�s fallout from the change -- the same thing happened when I moved into my new house. Everything was fine and in fact looking rosy, but I was just desperately melancholy for the first few weeks. Then it lifted, but slowly.

The funny part is, I don�t remember this change-related depression having happened in the past. I�ve moved and changed jobs before. I don�t really have any strong emotional memories of those changes at all. Why didn�t those changes evoke the depression I�m feeling now? I�ve come up with three possible reasons.

First, the job and housing changes I made in the past were not really choices. I changed jobs when I was sure I was about to be fired for drinking-related absences and hangover-related ineptitude. I moved when I was about to be evicted. In my past, changes were not a result of planning, weighing my options, and making a decision. Rather, changes were a function of flight and disaster avoidance. As long as I avoided the disaster, I considered myself ahead of the game.

The second reason is that I was always hungover. I�ve realized I may have used hangovers as a tool to distract me in difficult situations. If I was seriously concerned about puking or passing out, I wasn�t much worried about whether each person at my new job liked me or not.

Third, and this is the most depressing to realize: I didn�t really give a shit before. I cared more about the latest scandal in my social circle than about the job where I spent most of my waking hours (well, maybe not -- I had a lot of waking hours).

This time, I�ve made my own choices, I�m not feeling ill, and I care a lot. I think what I�m feeling about my new job is a little like post-partum depression. I�ve spent more than nine months wishing for the baby and planning for the baby, and now the baby is here and the baby has no windows.

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