C l e a n

Not drinking.
River // Tuesday, May. 20, 2003

I feel guilty about my last entry. It was kind of grim. I feel slightly obligated to present a rosy picture of sobriety here, but it is more important to be honest. Shit is hard.

Still, I politely invited myself to sit down and think a little more about drinking, sobriety and happiness. I came up with a neat little metaphor involving a river.

When I was drinking and doing drugs, I often felt happy. In fact, waves of happiness and euphoria washed over me on a regular basis. That's kind of the point, right? I also enjoyed regular feelings of contentment, smugness and even superiority.

Walking around feeling so self-satisfied, I didn�t bother to look too far under the surface of my emotional river. But while happiness and satisfaction bubbled along on the surface, it was pretty murky underneath. There were sharp rocks at the bottom. I think I knew they were there, which is why I paddled so frantically to stay at the surface.

Now, with sobriety, my emotional river is a different one. There are often negative emotions at the surface. Anxiety, regret and depression form rapids and whirlpools. But underneath, the waters are still and clear. At the bottom, the rocks are smooth and rounded. I don�t have to be scared to look under the surface. In fact, it�s kind of peaceful down there.

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