When I first quit drinking, I had terrible drinking dreams. I think most people do. In those dreams, I would be very drunk and not know how I got that way. I had done something awful and betrayed everyone. The dreams were vague and emotional, without much plot detail. In those dreams, I was helpless to explain what had happened, and I did not know how to prevent it from happening again. I woke up despondent, and even after I realized it was a dream, the shitty and hopeless feelings stayed with me all day.

Lately I�ve started having a new kind of drinking dream. The new dreams are detailed, focused, and logical. They feature real people and realistic situations. In the new dreams, I am thinking about having a drink or two in a social situation. I analyze the issue and I decide to do it. I have the drink, or two, and I don�t overindulge. After having the drinks, I think a lot about having had them. I feel a little bad and depressed, or like something has been spoiled. It�s not the same guilt and horror of the original drinking dreams -- it�s more of a low-grade remorse and foreboding.

The new drinking dreams are not nearly as emotionally wrenching as the old ones, but they�re freaking me out all the same. What are they about? Is my subconscious �practicing� to start drinking again, without my waking brain�s permission? The new dreams make me nervous.

I thought of another good metaphor about my situation. The other night I was feeling bad about having decided not to attend the cocktail party to which my roommate invited me. I just wasn�t up for it. I had already attended one alcohol-soaked event that day (a party for a volunteer group) and it had totally depressed me. I was thinking, what�s wrong with me? Then I thought: I�m still in the turn. I�m taking a turn in my life and I haven�t come out of the curve. I�ve got to keep my eyes on the road.

I am definitely still in the turn. It�s a long-ass turn. It�s a huge traffic circle, in fact. And I don�t know which turn-off is the right one for me. But staying in the traffic circle is pretty stressful too. I don�t know if I�ll naturally roll out of it, in the right direction, or if I need to force it. Look, kids! Big Ben! Parliament!

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