I was on my way home the other day, standing at a corner waiting for the walk signal. Just as the light turned red, a car gunned noisily through the intersection. It was a junker with two young heads bobbing inside. They careened through the intersection, bottoming out and then bouncing into the air, seeming to actually fly out of sight up the street.

I stared after the car. I was practically panting. My stomach was in knots. Whatever they were doing, wherever they were on their way to, it was going to be dangerous, stupid, and fucking fun. I wanted to be in that car so bad.

I�ve read that some people are so attached to the risk and thrill of illegal drug use that when they quit they become dependent on bungee-jumping and parachuting out of airplanes to maintain their sobriety and sanity. A recent article in The New York Times by Richard A. Friedman M.D. discusses research suggesting that some people turn to alcohol and drugs to offset a kind of pathological boredom:

�What�s intriguing is that there are fundamental biological differences between people who seek sensation and novelty and those who avoid it. Neuroscientists have known for years that high-sensation seekers show augmented brain electrical responses on EEG�s in response to increasing visual or acoustic stimuli. Low sensation seekers, in contrast, show diminished EEG responses as the stimulus intensity rises.

"This suggests that high sensation seekers experience a lower base line level of brain arousal, which may explain their constant need for stimulation and intolerance of monotony.

"A further clue into the neurobiology of boredom comes from the observation that thrill seekers self-medicate with a variety of recreational drugs to stave off boredom. Favored drugs, like cocaine, Ecstasy, opiates and alcohol, all activate the brain�s reward system, despite their diverse pharmacology.�

I�ve never considered myself much of a thrill-seeker or risk-taker. When I was doing drugs I didn�t think about it that way. Everybody I knew was doing the same thing and it didn�t seem risky. I didn�t consider the fact that I was buying an unknown substance from somebody I probably wouldn�t want to allow in my apartment to use the bathroom, and then I was introducing that substance into my body in such a way that it would enter my brain as soon as possible.

I�ve written before that there is something so liberating (albeit temporarily) about making a stupid decision for the sake of fun: �Fuck it! I�m calling in sick tomorrow!� I don�t think there�s a safe or sober way to replicate that feeling. The whole point is that I knew I�d pay for the decision later, but I would decide not to give a shit about later. Lately I care a lot about later -- about repercussions, about how what I�m doing will affect the future. Maybe I�m focusing too much on the future, in light of the past. My present is a little starved of attention.

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