I try not to think of the years I spent drinking as wasted years. I try not to think about what my life might be like if I had spent that time more usefully. It's a pointless exercise, and I do not need to be creating more frustration for myself.

But it's hard to avoid thinking about it. At my new job, there are people younger than me who are further along. I don't mean they are big bosses, or running the place, just that they are free of the kind of shitwork that I have to do. They are established, while I am scrabbling.

Also it seems like while I was in the tub with a bottle of Bacardi Limon, everybody got married. I'm not all gung-ho on getting married, but I'm having a serious "grass is greener" issue with it. A lot of it has to do with the price of real estate in my city. Two incomes would really help.

I think part of the reason why being single has bothered me a little lately is that I imagine it makes me seem childish in other people's eyes. My junior role at work adds to this concern. Several people have asked me lately if I'm in college. It bothers me unduly.

I suppose I'm still trying to convince myself: I am an adult! This is my adult life, happening right now! It's funny how drugs and alcohol are associated with "sophistication" and "experience." I feel lacking in both. I feel like there's a big leap I still have to make into adulthood. I don't think it's marriage or motherhood. It's a mental leap. I have to find the crossing.

prev // next