Q. If I haven’t had a drink for six months, can I reward myself with a bunch of drinks?

A. No.

My sister reminded me that yesterday was more or less six months since I’d decided to stop drinking. She sent me an electronic “congratulations” card. She is thoughtful that way. Six months! I am proud, amazed, bemused, bewildered and confused. Who am I, and what did I do with me? Who made this crazy decision? This thing has gotten out of control.

I thought back to my one-month anniversary. My sister had commemorated that one, too, and sent me a card and a little gift. When I opened it and saw the message I was immediately pissed off. Instead of recognizing the love and camaraderie behind the gift (which I did later), I could only see it as a reminder that I was now in a position to disappoint or even somehow betray my sister by going back to drinking. It made me feel guilty and I held it against her. I didn’t want to be responsible for other people’s feelings, even their happiness. I wanted to go back to my little cave where my self-destructiveness only hurt myself. Of course, this had never been the case and I was beginning to realize it.

The good news is, I didn’t feel that way at all this time. I mean, sure, there’s still a part of me that wishes I had never started this, definitely. And my steps are not too clear right now. But I am feeling calm and reflective. Last night I dreamed there were toothy snakes in my bathroom. They chased me out into the bedroom where I felled them with books and stood triumphantly and breathlessly over their limp coils. Kill them snakes!

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