So I haven’t written in a while. While I was really excited about the idea of this diary, I wasn’t thrilled with the way it was turning out. I didn’t like its tone -- that is, my tone. I sounded overly serious, self-important, even maudlin. I mean, it’s a fairly serious topic, but I’d wanted Clean to spend most of its time on the lighter side of substance abuse, you know?

Also, I felt that writing for Clean was making me obsess even more than usual about drinking. It’s as if I’ve built a wall between myself and drinking, and I’m constantly examining it and scraping at it. The more I scrape, the more likely it is that I’ll eventually break through. It’s better to acknowledge that the wall is there and not think about it too much. That, at least, was my excuse for not writing.

Then, this week, I was reading an article about a study of people who had lost substantial amounts of weight and kept it off for several years. I lost 40 pounds over a year ago, so I read a lot of health and fitness-y type publications. A doctor quoted in this article said that the people who succeeded with their weight loss tended to exercise “active cognitive control” -- that is, they think about it all the time. While this sounds like a depressing prescription, I realized that I spent a lot of time thinking about my weight. Not necessarily how much I weigh, but what I eat and my exercise routine. I actually enjoy planning my meals for the week and developing new routines for the gym. So, my point is, I think that I am successfully using active cognitive control to keep off the weight I’ve lost.

So why am I resisting active cognitive control to keep from drinking? I mean, I seem to think about it pretty constantly whether I want to or not, so why not try to make that thinking constructive? It’s a pretty obvious idea, granted, and it seems that Clean would be a good tool for me. I hope to eventually open up Clean to the public and maybe be a resource for other people.

I think other people may have to be the answer to my unfunniness problem, too. I’m worried that by trying to be funny I’ll be pathetic. So, I’ll try to cultivate some funnier ex-drunks and incorporate their material. We’ll see how that goes.

prev // next