When I first quit drinking, I had terrible drinking dreams. I think most people do. In those dreams, I would be very drunk and not know how I got that way. I had done something awful and betrayed everyone. The dreams were vague and emotional, without much plot detail. In those dreams, I was helpless to explain what had happened, and I did not know how to prevent it from happening again. I woke up despondent, and even after I realized it was a dream, the shitty and hopeless feelings stayed with me all day.

Lately I’ve started having a new kind of drinking dream. The new dreams are detailed, focused, and logical. They feature real people and realistic situations. In the new dreams, I am thinking about having a drink or two in a social situation. I analyze the issue and I decide to do it. I have the drink, or two, and I don’t overindulge. After having the drinks, I think a lot about having had them. I feel a little bad and depressed, or like something has been spoiled. It’s not the same guilt and horror of the original drinking dreams -- it’s more of a low-grade remorse and foreboding.

The new drinking dreams are not nearly as emotionally wrenching as the old ones, but they’re freaking me out all the same. What are they about? Is my subconscious “practicing” to start drinking again, without my waking brain’s permission? The new dreams make me nervous.

I thought of another good metaphor about my situation. The other night I was feeling bad about having decided not to attend the cocktail party to which my roommate invited me. I just wasn’t up for it. I had already attended one alcohol-soaked event that day (a party for a volunteer group) and it had totally depressed me. I was thinking, what’s wrong with me? Then I thought: I’m still in the turn. I’m taking a turn in my life and I haven’t come out of the curve. I’ve got to keep my eyes on the road.

I am definitely still in the turn. It’s a long-ass turn. It’s a huge traffic circle, in fact. And I don’t know which turn-off is the right one for me. But staying in the traffic circle is pretty stressful too. I don’t know if I’ll naturally roll out of it, in the right direction, or if I need to force it. Look, kids! Big Ben! Parliament!

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