Summer is coming. What do I want to do with my life?

Every day is a crossroads for me now. Not just about drinking, but about everything, because I can do anything now. Everyone can, pretty much, but we can't always see it. I just happen to be in a period of my life where I can see all the options open to me. It's because I've already made an important choice and tunneled through what seemed like a blank wall. Now I see doors everywhere.

Summer is coming. I can do anything. What do I want? I want to pull up a chair outside a bar and have a drink. Then I want to have five more. I want to hook up with someone and laugh with my friends about it afterwards. I want my friends back for the summer.

Summer is coming. I feel elderly. Is this how it will be from now on?

* * *

I gave up on the above entry because it got too maudlin, even for me. Then I realized it's a perfect example of how difficult it is to maintain an internal locus of control, and how easily it can slip away.

In the second paragraph, I'm all about it. I can't shut up about how I run my own life. But just two paragraphs later, I've been swept away on a stank tide of self-pity and I'm whining about how external forces are controlling my life ("Is this how it will be from now on?").

It's hard to maintain the internal locus of control, especially when I don't feel it's really in my "nature" to be assertive and optimistic. Actually, it's a distinct strain. I've always considered myself a "laid-back," "go with the flow," "take things as they come" sort of person. Now those phrases seem like attempts to put a positive spin on an insidious kind of emotional laziness. I've got to step up.

prev // next