Last weekend I ran into someone I hadn't seen for a long time -- a friend from my old party crowd. I was leaving the drugstore as he was coming in. I was thrilled to see him because I knew he was doing Narcotics Anonymous.

We got some coffee, then went up to his place to sit on the balcony in the sun and smoke cigarettes. It was great to talk to him. It turns out several people from our former posse are in treatment programs now. So the fallout has been widespread.

My friend, with four months sober, goes to meetings every day and has a sponsor and the whole nine yards. That's all stuff I specifically decided not to do, but it was fascinating to hear someone I knew and liked (and had used drugs and drank with) speaking that language.

I fed off his determination and enthusiasm, and it was good timing for me because as usual I have been meandering a little ways down that garden path in my mind. The other day I was running errands and I stopped for lunch at a Mexican restaurant. It was a good day and I was getting shit done. I was looking at the menu and I thought, "If I drank, this would be a great time to have one beer, to celebrate my day and chill me out a little for the rest of my errands. I know I wouldn't decide to drink more than one because I've got stuff to do this afternoon. But, unfortunately, I don't drink anymore."

Then, I thought, "Maybe I should start practicing identifying these moments, when it would be nice to have one drink without much danger of having more. Then, when I feel ready, I can start trying it out!" It seemed like a brilliant idea for about one second. Then I thought, "Nice try, you tricky self. You better shape up or I'm throwing your ass in 12-step."

The reader may wonder why my idea was so bad. It sounds pretty reasonable. I think it's a bad idea because it depends on me making an important decision -- the decision to not continue to drink -- after I have begun to drink. History shows that my post-drinking decision-making skills are lacking, to say the least. But, the reader may ask, will one drink really affect your decision-making skills so much that you'd forget all your rational plans? The answer is, I don't know. And as long as I don't know, I can't try.

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