10.11.03 Disclaimers

I�ve noticed I�ve been using a lot of disclaimers lately while talking about myself and even while thinking about myself. Here are some examples:

Yes, I exercise regularly now (but I used to be a total slacker).

Yes, I�m in shape now (but I used to be kind of fat).

Yes, I do some volunteering (but I'm just making up for the past).

Yes, I�m active and I try all kinds of new things (but I was very lazy before).

Yeah, I go to bed early and get lots of sleep (but I�ve sure stayed up late before).

And, of course, the biggie:

I don�t drink now (but I sure as hell did before).

I think there�s several reasons why I�m using so many disclaimers, and I think they�re all wrong-minded. First, I have the female habit of deflecting every compliment or moment of self-satisfaction. I mean, God forbid I inadvertently make someone else question their own fatness, laziness, or drunkenness. And feeling satisfied with myself is guaranteed to bring ruin, right? So, to cover my ass, I make disclaimers.

Second, I still think my history of excess is somewhat cool. I want certain people to know about it. I suspect I will never completely get over this, and I can live with that. The trick is to not make myself look like a pathetic fool. I met a new friend at work recently and during one of our first conversations I found myself referring to my �partying days� with a bemused, worldly wise air. I don�t want to ever do that again. Ever.

The third and maybe saddest reason for the disclaimers is that I�m not willing to admit to myself or others that I�ve finally got my shit together. Every time I think about how well things are going, these big BUTS appear. I�ve kept the weight off BUT I�m going to gain it back any day now. I�m doing great at my new job BUT I don�t know if I can keep it up. I�ve stayed sober BUT for how much longer?

My past is crowding my present. I need to push back.

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