I've been torturing myself with food lately. Every few days I eat a ton of cookies and candy and then I feel like shit about it. I vow not to do it again and then I do it again. I usually overeat at night, and I wake up the next morning feeling horrible about it and I lie in bed promising myself I'll never do it again. Yes, it's a familiar feeling.

It's even more messed up because eating this stuff isn't really hurting me in any other way. I'm not gaining weight. I haven't developed diabetes. So why the self-flagellation? It's clearly about control.

If I can't control myself enough not to eat a damned cookie, how can I expect to maintain my position on this mountaintop (on good days) or tightrope (on bad days) of self-control (on good days) or self-denial (on bad days)? How can I stay clean when I can't even say no to a cookie? I have so far to fall--and some days it seems like a cookie is a ticket for a quick trip from the stars to the gutter.

Sure, I know this is irrational. That the reason that I can't seem to say no to the cookies is that they're not as important as the other things I'm saying no to. I suppose I should say something like: Sometimes a cookie is just a cookie. But I don't believe that. A cookie is never just a cookie in the same way that a drink is never just a drink. Anymore.

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