I read an article recently that posited that modern identities, being more flexible than those of yore, require more �psychic energy� to maintain. That is, now that we have choices about what to make of ourselves beyond, say, serf, or housewife, we have to maintain the mental scaffolding to support those choices, rather than expecting society to uphold us as it would in more strictly defined roles.

It made sense to me, especially the part about changed roles requiring more psychic energy to maintain. My old role as a drunk and drug user defined my whole life, in ways that I didn�t even realize. It dictated where I lived (near the bars), who I lived with (nobody), who I hung out with (other drinkers), my job (something undemanding), what I wore (whatever was least dirty), what movies I saw (Trainspotting), what music I listened to (soundtrack from Trainspotting). I had my little clique of friends and I fit right in. I didn�t worry about where to go, who to see, what to do. Everything was in place. Teetering, maybe, but in place.

And, now, of course, it�s all knocked down. Some parts I�ve been able to build back up: new house, new job. Those are good. But I haven�t replaced my friends, or my sense of belonging, or my confidence in who I am. I suppose this is where AA comes in handy, by supplying a ready-made identity (�alcoholic� or �recovering alcoholic�) and enough homework to keep a person busy for years.

I�ve been trying to be social this summer. I�ve done things with a women�s outdoor sports club, and with the local �young professionals� group (yes, the yuppies). The events are fun, and people are nice, but I never feel like I really fit in. Of course I am alert to the possibility that this is how everyone feels, all the time, and that�s why people drink in the first place.

All the choices seem difficult, and there are millions of them. Am I the kind of person who would wear her hair in such a simple (boring) way? Am I the kind of person who would work late to make a good impression? Am I the kind of person who would use an online dating service? Am I the kind of person who would go on vacation by herself? Maybe. Probably. I don�t know. We�ll see.

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